I know when people think about abuse they usually think about physical abuse, but psychological abuse is such a powerfully damaging system of pain that it can’t be overlooked. Just like with physical abuse it robs the victim of their power…makes them feel like there is nothing in the world they can do to overcome their situation. It’s not because they aren’t strong enough to hit back…but because they aren’t good enough to win if they do. They aren’t smart enough, or talented enough, or good enough…they have no hope of ever being more than the nothing they were when they were born.
Psychological abuse is a gift that keeps on giving. Even after you leave your abuser…in my case it’s my dad…the internal dialogue continues. The voice in your head reminding you that you really are not good enough, that you are destine to fail plays like a tape over and over again. I remember times throughout my life when I fell short and I would admonish myself: “of course I screwed this up, I always screw things up”, “why am I so stupid”, “I hate myself for being how I am”. I would say really negative things about myself and people around me would tell me I am too hard on myself and then my dad would say I wasn’t hard enough on myself and I took his words to heart and would beat myself up more.
It’s made for a lifetime of feeling unworthy. Unworthy of love, happiness, success…and so even though I have those things I don’t feel like I deserve them. I have begun to see how that lack of self esteem has driven the choices in my life and caused me to interact with people from my abuse rather that from my power. It’s caused a lot of damage in my life…and it means that my abuser is still hurting me after years of being away from him.
In 2011 I have decided that I am taking my life back. I am going to break this cycle of negativity and pain. I am going to learn to love myself and live life from Joy instead of sadness. I am going be whole and happy. I don’t expect it to be overnight and I know it’s going to be painful at times and may even lead me into new directions in my life, but I have decided to choose me and let that path open up to me and follow it wherever it leads.
